Connection

It's that time of year again.  The time of year that has me thinking about my New Year's Affirmation. A long time ago someone introduced me to this idea of giving up resolutions and creating an affirmation for what I want to focus on in the next 12 months.

Before the bubbly of ringing in a new year, I give myself a few weeks prior to January 1st to contemplate over what I want to bring into my life.  I meditate, I listen, and I let lots of ideas come into my mind.  Sometimes it's easy - the year I packed into boxes nearly a decade of my life in Australia and returned to the US feeling like a foreigner in my own country, my affirmation was Transformation.  But sometimes it just comes from sitting in the stillness of my thoughts.  Over the years I've had affirmations like:  Love, Abundance, Courage, and Faith, each one a message that, once chosen, seems to pop up everywhere in my daily life.

Christmas Eve I attended a Taize* service at Bodhi.  With my family out of state and my Love overseas, this was the first Christmas Eve that I could remember being alone.  It seemed only natural that before joining my crew for Friendsmas, I would go to Bodhi.   

We sang, we listened to music and message, we meditated, and we awakened our awareness together.  We were guided to write a message to ourselves on a piece of paper, and, without hesitation, there it was, my affirmation!  Like it was written in Vegas lights, "Connection" poured onto my paper.  

But,  this Taize had a twist.... we were to place our message on a table and pick up another message written by someone else.  This was, after all, an exercise in Oneness, so my message is your message, is your message, is my message.  And this is what it said:

"Be light in each moment, not only for others but most importantly be light for yourself.  Look to the stars, reach for them, and dance among them every moment." 

As I thought about my message to myself and the message I received, Connection resonated perfectly.  I spent precious time with family this year that had me questioning why I don't reach out to them and spend time with them more often:  Connection.  I'm changing my perception on food, my body, and my health through a Whole30 Challenge:  Connection.  I'll celebrate milestone birthday's and memorable weddings with loved ones this year:  Connection.  I'm finding my way back towards my spiritual community:  Connection.  I'm learning who I am in my career, in my relationships, and with my self:  Connection.

Yes, your message really was my message, because without Connection to myself and others how can I be light?  How can I reach for the stars?  How can I dance?  Yes, Connection will hold pride of place on my bathroom mirror and I will carry Connection with me into 2014 as an affirmation for my best year yet!

What thoughts do you have about your own New Year's Affirmation?

*A Taize is a participatory prayer service designed to achieve a contemplative state through music, song, and silence.

Allowing

Wow, what a difference a year-ish can make.  Reading my previous posts I wish I could slap myself around a little bit.  Knowing what I know now, and really, knowing even then, that it was all going to be OK, so much more than OK, I wish I could've just had a little faith.  (WHEW!!)  Thank God for unanswered prayers. There was something more, better, happier, healthier, and just plain perfect for me right around the corner.

I'd be lying if I said that the past 18 months have been easy.  It's been far, reeeeeeeeally far from it.  I worked in a job that shook my values, tested my limits, and had me question repeatedly if being a social worker was really my calling.  I hid in the bathroom and cried, asking The Universe for another job, something, anything that was better than this.  I sent out literally hundreds, what felt like thousands, of resumes into the internet abyss only to have people tell me I wasn't experienced enough, I needed my LCSW, I needed this certificate or that qualification, and my all time favorite, I'm just "too talented" for this role.  Seriously.  I'm not stretching this one little bit, I put my hands together and begged that woman to think of me as "less talented."  Listen lady, I need this job, I can be less enthusiastic, I can be less clued-in, I really can, see, look how un-talented I am right now.  Please, oh please pick me!

I'll save you the details, but one morning I felt inspired to attend spiritual services at Bodhi.  I sure do love that place.  Every time I go I leave feeling like I can take on the world and that morning I heard exactly what I needed to hear.  I gave up feeling deflated and defeated in my job search and began reminding myself, after receiving yet another rejection letter, that this was all part of a perfect plan.  Nope, it sure didn't feel perfect, but the sooner I stopped pushing against my life and started allowing it all to happen, the better off I was going to be.... I mean, that's just Law of Attraction 101 kinda stuff.  I got back into affirming what I wanted, and even wrote it on my bathroom mirror - all my really serious life stuff gets written on my bathroom mirror.  Right next to, "Allowing, Allowing, Allowing"  I wrote, "I am a full-time social worker fulfilled in all ways!"  And that I am.

Thank you Universe for the past 18 months, every twist, turn, tear, and talented minute of it.  I fell in love with the man of my dreams and I landed on my feet with my dream job.  My family is healthy, my beloved Grandfather will be 90 years old next month!  I've learned how to knit and even made a few pretty pieces.  I tested a vegan diet, the Master Cleanse, and tried a modified Paleo thing.  I've started learning German, ich liebe dich is one of my favorite things to say.  I got right into Breaking Bad, The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette and couldn't wait for the weekly viewing parties with good friends.  I sold a car, bought a car, sold a car, and bought another.  I taught lots and lots of Bar Method and I taught myself how to use a curling wand.  For real, beyond the burn marks on my arms, that last one was really major.

As I'm staring down the barrel of 2014 and I pinch myself with just how much can change in an instant, I have to get honest.... like real honest.  I'm still not flossing as much as I should be, I hardly ever wash my face properly before I go to bed, and I am still a total and complete sugar and carb junky.  January 2 I'm going to do the Whole30, again.  On January 5, when I'm ready to allow a bottle of shiraz and a bucket of Red Vines down my throat, will someone just remind me of this little post?

Happiness....

I have no idea who said this to me once, but it has been one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given.  Somehow I feel like everyone goes through a period of thinking, hmmm... "maybe I should put prawns in their hubcaps" after someone does them wrong (which actually doesn't sound like a bad idea given his seafood allergy).  But really, what would that prove?  Nada.

Happiness is the very best revenge.

What a breath of fresh Chicago air to be reminded of this tonight.  Aren't I a lucky lady to have the world on a string?!?

Like, ever.

Who'd have thought, a silly question: Kanye or Taylor? would lead to me singing along at the top of my lungs to her newest hit.  Every. Single. Word.  There's nothing like a good girl-power anthem to affirm with my heart what my head has known for a looooooong time.

Next chapter.

There is one thing I know for damn sure - I am absolutely humbled by the love that surrounds me.  I heard somebody say one time that they were "drunk with gratitude".... um, ya, that pretty much describes it.  I've been on a Whole30 hiatus, so I've been tipsy with a little more than just gratitude this week -- and, it's been the most comforting, reassuring, liberating week I've had since I can remember.  Hells ya!

I still believe some things are forever and ever....
and I used to say, never say never.

Not anymore.  Whole30's got nothin' on this girl.

Whole30? Whole-huh?

I swear I'm going to get back on track soon, but today was not the day.  Actually, this week will probably not be the week either.  I need this week to process and while I am all for the idea that clean eating = clean mind, um ya, this is one of those moments where having a foggy mind might not be that bad.

It's amazing to me (and my sweet friend Alison who pointed it out) that the world sometimes adjusts to give you exactly what you need.  The steady rain outside my window was exactly that - an agreement with the Universe that staying in bed all day was totally OK.

Nothing screams good friend like a night of Bachelor Pad, wine, and Velveeta shells and cheese.  I can't think of a better reason to get out of bed and brush my teeth than that kind of invitation -- it was exactly what I needed tonight.  A shower was definitely in order and just the act of getting dressed and getting moving made me feel better.

No, there was nothing "clean" about tonight's get together, God knows the Bachelor Pad doesn't come even close to sanitary, but tonight was another reminder to me that my life is already whole.  It may not be Whole30 in that sense, but it's whole and complete and perfect for just being mine.

On Wholed

When life gives you lemons, eat Oreos.  Upside down and turned inside out with sadness, I needed to put my Whole30 on hold.... for now.  Some things are just meant for wine, ice cream, and really amazing good friends.  Tonight, when I write with tears, I trust that the universe has good things in store for me and one day I'll look back on this and know it was meant to be.

When I signed up for the Challenge of changing my life for 30 days, I had no idea the ways in which my life would be altered....  So, for tonight, wine in hand and regret for last night's Oreo's, I'm putting the Whole30 on hold.

I mentioned the other day that I'm looking for the positives and today I'm considering more than just the positives of clean eating.  Nothing is better than feeling so loved by the people who love you - nothing is more positive than that.  I am that loved and I am so grateful.

C is for Cookie

Or cashew, or cherrie, or candy, or chardonnay, or C'mon!!  Talk about a snack attack...

Last night realllllllly got the best of me.  I'm telling you, I'm one of those crazy snackers that would eat baking chocolate dunked in brown sugar if it was in my cupboards.  Thank God, I can't bake, so I have none of that crap in my cabinets or I'd have dumped it down my gullet before you could say, Whole30. 

So, I snacked cleanly even though I'm not supposed to snack at all on this Challenge.  Cashews and cherries are hardly *bad*, right?!?  I guess it's the fact that I ate waaaaay too many to feel OK about it.  Is it weird that I had a cherry stem tongue tying contest with myself?  Probably no more weird than sitting at home on a Friday night by myself counting how many cherries I've devoured before feeling completely guilty.